You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
