The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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