the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
