What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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