He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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