Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
