I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
