i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
