Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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