I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
