I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
