I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
