My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
