It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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