my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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