Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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