i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
