The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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