Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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