Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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