I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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