The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
