So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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