I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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