i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
