I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
