I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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