I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
