dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
