He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
