Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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