somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
