he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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