Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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