I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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