fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
