At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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