I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
