It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
