meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
