She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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