So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
