I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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