I'm so fucking centered right now
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
