I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
