Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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