I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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