I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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