What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
