Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
