??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
